Quote. John Steinbeck

The nature of parties has been imperfectly studied. It is, however, generally understood that a party has a pathology, that it is a kind of individual and that it is likely to be a very perverse individual. And it is also generally understood that a party hardly ever goes the way it is planned or intended. This last, of course, excludes those dismal slave parties, whiped and controlled and dominated, given by ogreish professional hostesses. These are not parties at all but acts and demonstrations, about as spontaneous as perstalsis and as intersting as its end product.

from Cannery Row

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 5

You do know that E L James didn't even bother to make Christian Grey up, right? She just took Patrick Bateman and made him a sex machine instead of a psycho killer. I'm just waiting for Grey to bring out his record collection.

Ana wakes up in Grey's hotel suite, sans jeans and socks, that Grey was kind enough to take off for her. So, he practically kidnaps her and half-undresses her and expects her to thank him for it. There follows a mediocre conversation in the veins of (I'm paraphrasing) "you were a bad girl" (CG) - "what do you care?" (AS) - "I am sad." (CG).

Then this gem:

I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she's doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his.

And this:

My heartbeat has picked up, and my medulla oblongata has neglected to fire any synapses to make me breathe.

But wait, it gets worse:

I let out the breath that I've been holding. Why is he so damned attractive? Right now I want to go and join him in the shower. I have never felt this way about anyone. My hormones are racing. My skin tingles where his thumb traced over my face and lower lip. I feel like squirming with a needy, achy...discomfort. I don't understand this reaction. Hmm...Desire. This is desire. This is what it feels like.

Of course, it is just like Ana to question that he didn't make a move on her WHILE SHE WAS IN BED UNCONSCIOUS. This is disappointing to her. This chick is so messed up! She also states that "I'd like to bite that lip." is the sexiest thing anybody has ever said to her.

Over breakfast he tells her that he is into rather unusual stuff in the sex department and he expects her to sign a written consent before he lays a finger on her. She cannot connect the dots. Ana really has no idea what is going on. She thinks using Grey's toothbrush is such a thrill. Poor idiot.

And finally:

"Oh, fuck the paperwork," he growls. He lunges at me, pushing me against the wall of the elevator. Before I know it, he's got both of my hands in one of his in a vice-like grip above my head, and he's pinning me to the wall using his lips. Holy shit. His other hand grabs my ponytail and yanks down, bringing my face up, and his lips are on mine. It's only just not painful. I moan into his mouth, giving his tongue an opening. He takes full advantage, his tongue expertly exploring my mouth. I have never been kissed like this. My tongue tentatively strokes his and joins his in a slow erotic dance that's all about touch and sensation, all bump and grind. He brings his hand up to grasp my chin and holds me in place. I am helpless, my hands pinned, my face held, and his hips restraining me. I feel his erection against my belly. Oh my...He wants me. Christian Grey, Greek god, want me, and I want him, here...now, in the elevator.

And Ana's "very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba".

*slow nod*

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 4

Here's an annoying thing: whenever the light at a pedestrian crossing turns green "the green man appears". Who calls it "the green man" past the age of 4? Ana is 21! Not sure how she managed to make it to 21 as an utter inbecile that forgets to breathe every now and then, but that is the claim.

Anway, Grey tells Ana that he is not the man for her. She is of course totally surprised that he did not shove his tongue down her throat. After all, she was practically in an embrace with him after he so gallantly saved her from falling on her face, or ass, or whatever part of her body she was going to fall on.

"Thanks." I can't disguise the sarcasm in my voice. "Goodbye, Mr. Grey." I turn on my heel, vaguely amazed that I don't trip, and without giving him a second glance, I disappear down the sidewalk toward the underground garage.

Something tells me, this is the only moment of dignity Ana is ever going to have in the entire trilogy. It actually is only one moment, as soon as she is in the garage, she turns into a puddle of tears and ends up in what sounds an awful lot like a fetal position. In the end, she chalks up his not wanting her to his *drumroll* good looks. Duh!

Now, this I love! Ana is in bed, again going over her strange morning. And..."Idly, I wonder if perhaps he's celibate? [...] Maybe he's saving himself." Mocking this book is just too easy.

A few days later, after Ana has written her final exams, she gets a parcel without a sender's address on it. It holds first editions of Tess of the D'Urbervilles. This can obviously only be from Grey. Ana immediately vows to return them. At a party that night, she drunk-calls him. He - noticing her intoxication - decides to pick her up. And so he does, in the nick of time - just when young José is about to shuff his tongue down her throat (not the tongue Ana was hoping for). Then Grey holds her hair while she vomits out all the alcohol she cannot hold. Awwwww! And then she gets a lecture about "knowing ones limits".

In case you wondered how he found her - he tracked her cell phone. WTF? Run, Anastasia! Run! But not quite yet, Christian Grey wants to dance with you first.

And then....she faints.

A Word from Your Blogger

You have probably been biting your nails and waiting for my next installment of running mockery of Fifty Shades of Grey. Fear not, I have not given up on this particular piece of 'art'. Rather, I really only read this when I'm bored but can't get away from my computer, i.e. at work. I know what that sounds like... I do do work, it's just that when my boss is not around, the load thins out considerably. My boss is a well-traveled man. Hence, the next update is just around the corner.

I would like to take this time-out from a book that created its own genre ('mommy porn') to state that my reading tastes are pretty eclectic. There are obviously some authors I enjoy more than others (Stephen King, Paul Auster, Augusten Burroughs, Douglas Coupland, I could go on) and there are certain genres that I care less for, like sci-fi/fantasy, mysteries, chick lit, romances. Also, I don't read too many book series.

Yes, I feel your eyes moving over to the right border of the blog where you find the books I'm currently reading - all three are parts of series, one is fantasy, one is mystery and one is, well, mommy porn. Please believe me when I tell you that this is a weird coincidence and an exception.

If you stick with this blog after I have finished the Fifty Shades trilogy, you will find evidence of the things and preferences stated above. Whatever it is I am reading, I will read whenever and wherever I can.

 

I could never imagine my life without books and I never want to have to.

 

 

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 3

Ana has been hearing a small quiet voice in her head, repeatedly. Sometimes it’s her “subconscious”, but same difference. Shouldn’t this be reason for concern? Maybe she has a serious mental illness. She should have that checked.

Anyway, she has to call Him and co-ordinate a photoshoot for the student paper. Her reaction to a mere telephone conversation pretty much sums up her entire being.

“Okay, we’ll see you there.” I am all gushing and breathy – like a child, not a grown woman who can vote and drink legally in the State of Washington.

Yep, that’s Ana in a nutshell. But how else would you react if you practically heard Grey’s sphinx-like smile through the phone and visualize the wicked gleam in his gray eyes? Naturally, she spends the night tossing and turning. Wouldn’t we all?

When she sees him again the next day her reaction is “[…] he’s so freaking hot.” And “Oh my…he really is, quite…wow.” Better watch yourself, girl - Katherine will totally know you like him. Ana is not only flabbergasted by Grey’s presence, she is also in awe of the poised and well-mannered Katherine, for not turning to mush around His Awesomeness.

And then, and then….she is alone with him and he asks her to join him for coffee. Like, OMG!

My heart slams into my mouth. A date? Christian Grey is asking me on a date. He’s asking if you want coffee. Maybe he thinks you haven’t woken up yet, my subconscious whines at me in a sneering mood again. I clear my throat trying to control my nerves.

When she tells Katherine, her trusted friend warns her that he's is “dangerous. Especially to someone like you.” Ana, of course, is affronted. So, coffee with Mr. Grey (looking like a male model in a pose for some glossy high-end magazine) it is. Never mind that Ana hates coffee. Then he actually takes her by the hand! No one has ever held her hand! This apparently gives her the bravery to ask for tea instead of coffee. And then is very impressed that he gets her her favorite kind of tea. Wow. It’s “Twinings English Breakfast”. How could he have possibly known? Or how would she know, since she dips the bag into the teapot for an instant, not giving it a chance to flavor the water?


The conversation is all about whether the photographer or her co-worker is Ana’s boyfriend. And about Ana being a mysterious and self-contained (according to Grey). Then he totally throws her off again by asking if she’s an only child and inquires about her family. Like, woah! She didn’t see that coming. Not sure what she expected from the conversation, but certainly not that. On their way to the parking lot, she learns that he does not do the girlfriend thing and just about falls flat on her face.

It all happens so fast – one minute I’m falling, the next I’m in his arms, and he’s holding me tightly against his chest. I inhale his clean, vital scent. He smells of fresh laundered linen and some expensive body-wash. Oh my, it’s intoxicating. I inhale deeply.

Oh my, indeed.

Don’t know about you, but I’m ready for the juicy bits.

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 2

We've made it to chapter two and Ana is still wrecking her brain trying to figure out her fascination for the OMG!-he's-so-hot-I'm-gonna-faint Christian.

Is it his looks? His civility? Wealth? Power?

And Anastasia Steel (her full name) has to lean on a steel pillar to steady herself.

What I'm not quite get is why she keeps telling herself that she will never have to see him again, anyway, when during their interview it was established that he will have some sort of official role at her college graduation. Short term memory loss, maybe?

Back at the WYU campus, we meet José, whom Ana is just good friends with but knows "deep down inside, he'd like to be more." She's just not that into him, or anyone else, never having met any man she is attracted to (before Mr. Grey, one assumes). The Pacific Northwest has rubbed off on this José, apparently, because he is pretty hot, "all shoulders and muscles, tanned skin, dark hair and burning dark eyes."

The following Saturday, Mr. Grey pops up at Ana's workplace. A hardware store, where he has no business being. C-R-E-E-P-Y. He's doing the "I was in the area" line. Aaaaahahahaha! Ana's reaction?

My heart is pounding a frantic tattoo [...] he is the epitome of male beauty, breathtaking, and he's here.

I kid you not.

He picks up cable ties, masking tape, rope - you know, your basic rapist/bondage enthusiast kit.

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 1

This is the first paragraph of 50 Shades of Grey:

I scrowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair - it just won't behave, and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal. I should be studying for my final exams, which are next week, yet here I am trying to brush my hair into submission. I must not sleep with it wet. I must not sleep with it wet. Reciting this mantra several times, I attempt, once more, to bring it under controll with the brush. I roll my eyes in exasperation and gaze at the pale, brown-haired girl with blues eyes too big for her face staring back at me, and give up. My only option is to restrain my wayward hair in a ponytail and hope that I look semi presentable. 

I roll my eyes in exasperation, as well. Who reads this shit? Oh yeah, me.

Meet Ana, a clumsy, unassuming, very naive student at WYU. She is obviously having a bad hair day just when she is supposed to meet with one of the most powerful man in the state of Washington. She is really only doing her roommate Katherine a favor, who is sick and apparently is the only person working on the student newspaper ("editor" she calls herself) because why else would she be sending Ana to a meeting this big in her stead, when little Ana apparently does not even know where the record button on a mini-recorder is?

Anyway, she goes to Seattle to meet with overwhelmingly good-looking, successful, yet arrogant controll freak Christian Grey. Ana actually trips and falls into his office after having had to encounter number of attractive Stepfordesque blondes from the moment she enters the - modern, sterile - office building. So far, every single person Ana encounters in the book (which statisticly says good things about the Seattle population, no?) is ridiculously attractive. I must one day go to Seattle to see this for myself.

Of course, Ana is immediately flustered by the blindingly good looks of Mr. Grey.

Why does he have such an unnerving effect on me? His overwhelming good looks maybe? The way his eyes blaze at me? The way he strokes his index finger against his lower lip? I wish he'd stop doing that.

I will try to keep the quoting to a minimum, but it is hard, so hard.

Fifty Shades of Book Snobbery

Do you dislike 50 Shades of Grey as much as I do? Yes? Have you actually read it? Yeah, me neither.

To allow myself to legitimately bitch about it I will read it. And for this purpose I have downloaded totally legally acquired the trilogy.

Watch this space for commentary, ridicule, snobbery and down-putting.