Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 5

You do know that E L James didn't even bother to make Christian Grey up, right? She just took Patrick Bateman and made him a sex machine instead of a psycho killer. I'm just waiting for Grey to bring out his record collection.

Ana wakes up in Grey's hotel suite, sans jeans and socks, that Grey was kind enough to take off for her. So, he practically kidnaps her and half-undresses her and expects her to thank him for it. There follows a mediocre conversation in the veins of (I'm paraphrasing) "you were a bad girl" (CG) - "what do you care?" (AS) - "I am sad." (CG).

Then this gem:

I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she's doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his.

And this:

My heartbeat has picked up, and my medulla oblongata has neglected to fire any synapses to make me breathe.

But wait, it gets worse:

I let out the breath that I've been holding. Why is he so damned attractive? Right now I want to go and join him in the shower. I have never felt this way about anyone. My hormones are racing. My skin tingles where his thumb traced over my face and lower lip. I feel like squirming with a needy, achy...discomfort. I don't understand this reaction. Hmm...Desire. This is desire. This is what it feels like.

Of course, it is just like Ana to question that he didn't make a move on her WHILE SHE WAS IN BED UNCONSCIOUS. This is disappointing to her. This chick is so messed up! She also states that "I'd like to bite that lip." is the sexiest thing anybody has ever said to her.

Over breakfast he tells her that he is into rather unusual stuff in the sex department and he expects her to sign a written consent before he lays a finger on her. She cannot connect the dots. Ana really has no idea what is going on. She thinks using Grey's toothbrush is such a thrill. Poor idiot.

And finally:

"Oh, fuck the paperwork," he growls. He lunges at me, pushing me against the wall of the elevator. Before I know it, he's got both of my hands in one of his in a vice-like grip above my head, and he's pinning me to the wall using his lips. Holy shit. His other hand grabs my ponytail and yanks down, bringing my face up, and his lips are on mine. It's only just not painful. I moan into his mouth, giving his tongue an opening. He takes full advantage, his tongue expertly exploring my mouth. I have never been kissed like this. My tongue tentatively strokes his and joins his in a slow erotic dance that's all about touch and sensation, all bump and grind. He brings his hand up to grasp my chin and holds me in place. I am helpless, my hands pinned, my face held, and his hips restraining me. I feel his erection against my belly. Oh my...He wants me. Christian Grey, Greek god, want me, and I want him, here...now, in the elevator.

And Ana's "very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba".

*slow nod*