Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 22

Ladies, you have to be strong now, for I have bad news about chapter 22. There is no sex in this chapter. *nods-gravely*

Luckily, there's also a bit of good news. The inner goddess does not make a single appearance in this. Hooray!

Ana is sending Grey e-mails to make him jealous (a massage by a man). Then, of course, she freaks out about him being jealous (twitchy hands, ya know). There follows one long, rambling e-mail by Ana and an even longer, rambling aswer by Grey.

What I think you fail to realize is that in Dom/sub realtionshsips it is the sub that has all the power. That's you. I'll repeat this - you are the one with all the power.

Ana is being a naughty girl and secretly checks her Blackberry during the flight when she is not supposed to. Tststs!

When in Georgia, some very deep conversations with her mother about how men are. Ther mom is on husband number four, so she is the top authority on the topic. Her deep, deep insight about men is

They are very simple, literal creatures.

We learn that Ana's real father died in a combat training accident when he was a marine. What? You didn't expect him to be a builder or a postal worker or something un-impressive, did ya?

When she is off to have dinner with her mother and Bob (husband no. 4), she learns that Grey has a dinner engagement, as well. This turns out to be with 'Mrs. Robinson'. Ana's reaction to this:

The next day, while having drinks with her mother, she gets an e-mail from Grey inquiring about how many Cosmopolitans she intends to drink. The über-stalker apparently followed her to Georgia.

Holy fuck, he's here.

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 21

The next morning, Ana mulls over whether or not she will sign 'The Contract'.

My inner goddess glares at me in desperation. Of course you'll sign.

And in case the reader forgot that Christian Grey is the most beautiful person ever to walk the face of the earth, here is a helpful reminder:

He is without a doubt the most beautiful man on the planet, too beautiful for the little people below, too beautiful for me. No my inner goddess scowls at me, not too beautiful for me.

The we encounter Mrs. Jones, the housekeeper Grey neglected to mention. Apparently, it is insignificant to him that some half naked young woman strolls around his appartment. Then, in the study, sex on the desk, followed by this:

"Are you sore?" he asks, leaning over me.
"A little," I confess.
"I like you sore." His eyes smolder. "Reminds you where I've been, and only me."

To get this bit of conversation out of our heads, here is a cute kitten:

Ah, that's better.

Ana is once again baffled by the enigmatic Grey and turns to the voices in her head for help.

I look to my subconcious. She's whistling with her hands behind her back and looking anywhere but at me. She hasn't got a clue, and my inner goddess is still basking in a remnant of post-coital glow. No - we're all clueless.

The rest of the day consist of job interviews, packing for Georgia, Ana finally confronting Kate about her big mouth (she promises to keep it shut), and Grey upgrading his little play thing to first class.

A Radically Condensed History of Postindustrial Life

When they were introduced, he made a witticism, hoping to be liked. She laughed extremely hard, hoping to be liked. Then each drove home alone, staring straight ahead, with the very same twist to their faces.
The man who'd introduced them didn't much like either of them, though he acted as if he did, anxious as he was to preserve good relations at all times. One never knew, after all, now did one now did one now did one.

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 20

Punishment sex in the boathouse, because Ana denied Grey by closing her legs, while he tried to finger her under the table while having dinner with his entire family.

"No one's ever said no to me before. And it's so - hot."

The punishment in this particular context is that is is all for him and Ana is forbidden to come. But - triumph! - she gets back her missing panites after.

My inner goddess nods in agreement, a satisfied grin over her face - You didn't have to ask for them.

I win!

On their way back to his place, some deep conversation in the car. He doesn't get why she is so full of self-doubt because she is such a strong, self-contained young woman. Strong? Self-contained? Ri-ight.Then Ana realizes that he did indeed want her to meet his parents and - what's more - he asks if he can come to Georgia with her. Awwww.

And because Grey is really, deep down inside, just this sweet, vulnerable guy he agrees to make love ('plain old vanilla'), which irritates Ana. Grey then wonders whether she would prefer something more exotic?

My inner goddess pops her head above the parapet.
"Oh no. I've had enough exotic for one day." My inner goddess pouts at me, failing miserably to hide her disappointment.

What really happens in the bedroom is not plain old vanilla because Ana bargains for some information and agrees to be spanked. She gets introduced to two round, shiny, silver balls, linked with a thick black thread. And eventually, finally!, an orgasm.

Six more chapters of this POS to go.

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 19

Might as well get through this as fast as I can.

Grey wakes up an exhaused Ana because they are to have dinner with his entire family. Apparently, she is supposed to wear the same clothes she wore before their trip to the 'Red Room of Pain', underwear and all. Slightly gross, this. Also, Ana is short of her panties because Grey pocketed them (after sniffing them, of course).

He wants me to be embarrassed and ask for my panties back, and he'll either say yes of no. My inner goddess grins at me. Hell...two can play that particular game. Resolving there and then not to ask him for them and not give him that satisfaction, I shall go meet his parents sans culottes. Anastasia Steele! My subconscious chides me, but I don't want to listen to her - I almost hug myself with glee because I know this will drive him crazy.

After a dance to Frank Sinatra singing 'Witchcraft' - and yes, Grey is an awesome dancer! - they head down to the waiting car. Ana, not surprisingly, starts to panic about her missing underpants. She is almost outside with No Panties!

It gets worse for her, still. She realizes that 'Mrs. Robinson' has even taught him to dance and she has nothing to teach him.

I have no special skill.

No shit.

Thinking back on her first brush with Grey's sexual specialties, she muses

I want to be with him. My inner goddess sighs with relief. I reach the conclusion that she rarely uses her brain to think but another vital part of her anatomy, and at the moment, it's a rather exposed part.

At the Grey household with everyone in attendence - including little sister Mia - she then realizes that Grey only brought her along because Elliot came with Kate. During conversation it comes up that Ana wants to go to Georgia to visit her mother and she negleted to inform Grey about this. Uh-oh. If that wasn't enough to piss Grey off, Kate - ever the bitch - asks about Ana's meeting with José the previous Friday. Bet he is really mad now!

Dinner gets served by one Gretchen. A blond pigtailed girl from some unspecified European country, that obviously adores Grey (and who wouldn't?). I would like to take this moment to point out that nobody in Europe is called Gretchen. Nobody! Gretchen (much like 'Madchen') is a typically US American name that we in the German-speaking world find ridiculous.

Fortunately, he seems oblivious to her, but my inner goddess is smoldering and not in a good way.

The Bible Is Surprise Bestseller in Norway

Go here for the full article. I may be an atheist, but the Bible does make for some interesting reading.

Nineteen Eighty-Four

by George Orwell

George Orwell's 1949 masterpiece describes an imagined future, set in 1984. The vision of a huge nation run by an all-ruling 'Big Brother' may well be the most feasable that has been foretold in literature. It may not have happened by1984 and, indeed, to this day. But considering that we currently live in a world with dictatorships, ruthless politicians, entire generations dumbed-down by governments and/or media, a world similar to Oceania may be lurking somewhere in the future.

The book is loosely divided in three parts, the first one setting the scene of the world Winston Smith lives in. Ruled and controlled by a government that does not only decide what the public must know and consequently believe of the present state, but also changes the past by irradicating history as needed and eliminating any traces of a person's existence, if this person 'disappears'. Winston doubts the regime and remembers a different world, a family even.

The second part revolves around an affair Winston has with Julia, who is defiant as Winston is. The lovers' dislike of and distrust in the government stems from very different reasons. Julia appears to be defiant for the sake of it and it is Winston that pushes her in the direction of a counter movement. The romance, of course, is doomed from the beginning.

The third - and most devastating - part details the imprisonment and torture of Winston. Handed to him by one O'Brian, that he formerly believed to be a member of 'The Brotherhood', a rumoured restistance group. O'Brian, meanwhile, was always working for the government and puts it upon himself to mold Winston into a mindless party member. The ultimate goal is for Winston to love Big Brother and believe every word the party says. For an unsepcified amount of time, Winston is being tortured - physically and psychologically - until he even believes that

2 + 2 = 5

An absolutely brilliant book!

10/10

"War, it will be seen, is now a purely internal affair. In the past, the ruling groups of all countries, although they might recognise their common interest and therefore limit the destructiveness of war, did fight against one another, and the victor always plundered the vanquished. In our own day they are not fighting against one another at all. The war is waged by each ruling group against its own subjects, and the object of the war is not to make or prevent conquests of territory, but to keep the structure of society intact. The very word 'war', therefore, has become misleading. It would probably be accurate to say that by becoming continuous war has ceased to exist."

 

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 18

Why ever did I take on this task? I thought this would be so bad that it would actually be entertaining, but the truth is that this book is just really, really dull. I seriously do not understand the fascination it holds on so many (I assume) women.

Sorry, had a little crisis there. Anyway, where were we? ....Ah right, getting Ana on the pill.

After her visit with the doctor, Ana once again shocks Mr. Sex-on-Legs (her words, not mine) by jokings telling him that she has to abstain from all sexual activity for the next four weeks. And we are led to believe that Grey would, if only briefly, believe her. Oh, come on!

So Ana then gets her first go in the Red Room of Pain (again, her words, not mine) and here comes her inner goddess once again:

My inner goddess is spinning like a world-class ballerina, pirouette after pirouette.

What follows is all about obedience - kneeling, no looking at Grey, chains, riding crop, shackles, cuffs, "Yes Sir", cable tie and orgasm after orgasm after orgasm. And - surprise! - it is exhausting.

My inner goddess has a 'do not disturb' sign on the outside of her room.

I want to hurt that inner goddess. Badly.

Article about "Something Wicked This Way Comes"

I found this article on The Guardian website's book blog. They have a series going on entitled "Darkness in literature" and Ray Bradbury's Something Wicked This Way Comes fit the bill.

If you haven't read the book yet, do. It is very good.

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 17

Grey spent the night. The whole night! Imagine! Apparently, he is not only hot in looks, but also hot in body temperature. So hot, in fact, that it wakes poor Ana. For some strange reason, her inner goddess remains silent about this.

Later, some back and forth e-mailing. And it looks like the Macbook will be refered to as "the mean machine" for the entire book.

Basically they discuss some more dos and don'ts for their upcoming first weekend together.

On Kate's and Ana's last day at their old apartment, they have a drink with José.

The atmosphere between José and I has returned to normal, the attempted kiss forgotten. Well, it's been swept under the rug that my inner goddess is lying on, eating grapes and tapping her fingers, waiting not so patiently for Sunday.

Elliot comes and helps them move, and he turns out to be a DYI god. Of course.

Then, finally, Sunday.

My inner goddess is beside herself, hopping from foot to foot.

After she arrives in her new ride.

Go girl! My inner goddess has her pom poms in hand - she's in cheerleading mode.

But before any of the spanking can begin Ana has an appointment with the very best Ob/Gyn that Grey has arranged for her.

"Ready for some contraception?" he asks as he stands and holds out his hand to me.

Can this get any dumber?

Quote. Augusten Burroughs

"Little girls are not delicate, new green ferns. They can be starved, beaten, raped, and beaten some more and not only survive this, but survive it and become black belts in any one of the martial arts so that if somebody tries again to fuck with them, the little girl, larger now, can kill them with either hand.

All children should be loved, protected, nurtured - emotionally and intellectually - respected, and never, under any circumstances, underestimated.

Especially, most essentially, by themselves."

from This Is How

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 16

I took a week and a half off from reading this crap. My brain needed some serious literature food, so I read a short story collection, a non fiction book about the way the brain works (alright, so it was one of those modern "popular science" books, but still) and started another novel. But I have started this damn thing and I will finish it, even if it costs me a brain cell or five.

Restarting with...

Slowly the outside world invades my senses, and oh my, what an invasion.

...and I am almost ready to put it down again.

After allowing Ana the kind of sex she wants (a one-off, I'm sure), Grey starts questioning her about her cycle and tells her she needs to "sort out" contraception. Yep, like so many men, Mr. Grey believes it is a woman's responsibility, because he does not like condoms. And could there be a better excuse, like, ever. He also makes it clear that he wants her to sign the papers, and soon, so that he can get on with his spanking and punishing and shit. Also, he may "crack" if she draws this out any longer.

"Crack? How?" My inner goddess has woken and is paying attention.

There follows some light banter and Ana's first taste of what's to come. She rolled her eyes and Grey offers up her first punishment - some spanking.

Do it! My inner goddess pleads with me, my subconscious is as paralyzed as I am.

After he whips her ass he graciously offers her some sex and allows her to come. After which...

My inner goddess is prostrate...well at least she's quiet.

After rubbing some baby oil on her ass he leaves.This is followed by Ana falling apart (yet again), a telephone conversation with her mummy and Kate's return. She finds her crying and goes into badass mode (like she does). So when Ana tells Grey via "mean machine" that she is sad because he didn't stay he returns and is immediately chewed out by Kate. Ana, of course, is all happy-sad because her knight in shining armour has returned to spend the night with her. And he tells her that she has bewitched him. Awwww!

Bewitched...my inner goddess is staring open-mouthed. Even she doesn't believe this.

Neither do I, inner goddess. Neither do I.

James Franco, Author

Some actors I dislike so much that I go into any of their films fully expecting to hate it. James Franco is one of those actors. He just seems so full of himself. This worked fine for me for a while. Then, of course, came 127 Hours. I tried to tell myself it's the film that is brilliant, but Franco is the film. When he did his Oscar hosting gig, my dislike boiled up again. Because, really, he sucked.

Now he has a book out. Once again, I went into it fully expection to hate it. I wanted to hate it. But he writes about Steinbeck's Cannery Row and River Phoenix and then this:

Funny how new facts pop up and make you doubt that there's any goodness in life. Everyone pretends to be normal and be your friend, but underneath, everyone is living some other life you don't know about, and if only we had a camera on us at all times, we could go and watch each other's tapes and find out what each of us was really like.

Alright. I admit defeat.

Damn you, Franco!

Book Sale: The Loot

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 15

This girl has some serious mental issues. She now not only hears her subconscious talking to her but sees "her" mouthing 'ho' at her. This while they finally go over the soft limits of the (non-legally-binding and therefore superfluous) contract. Ana is not into anal intercourse. Grey is, so tough luck there, he will train her, accordingly (see also "toys: butt plugs").

He gives her an A for swallowing semen.

I flush, and my inner goddess smacks her lips together glowing with pride.

They go over the bondage options and Grey has some explaining and word definition to do.

I examine the list, and my inner goddess bounces up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream.

Next: how does Ana feel about pain? She has no reference, not having been spanked as a child. "It's not as bad as you think." says the one who will be inflicting it.

When it dawns on Ana that she is about to get laid (what did she think would happen?)...her inner goddess is panting. And he even considers agreeing to her desire for "more" (as in: a *real* relationship) - at least once a week on a trial basis. But before we get to the sex, Grey has bought Ana a car. She is, like, totally upset.

As an additional treat, she is allowed to touch him and be on top. Also, she is required to put a condom on him. She has no clue how. *nods gravely*.

This is for Ana:

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 14

Ana is having orgasms in her sleep now. She dreamt about Grey in leather and herself bound to the bed (or something). That does it for her apparently. It's the prospect of pain she's worried about.

I think of my dream...is that what it would be like? My inner goddess jumps up and down with cheerleading pom-poms shouting yes at me.

Her inner goddess is an idiot.

Later at the graduation, when Grey is on stage, Ana tries to disappear into the crowd because she doesn't want him to see her. Then - Oh no! - he does see her. And the next moment - when he doesn't stare her down - she wonders "Why won't he look at me?".

Then, for some inexplicable reason, she is surprised because he's there to give a speech. Seriously, how stupid is this girl? We have known that he would have a function at her graduation since - what? - chapter 2? And we were reminded of it in every other chapter since. His speech is about feeding the world (ever the good samaritan), because he knows what it's like "to be profoundly hungry". Predictably, Ana goes to mush "at the thought of a hungry, gray-eyed toddler." There aren't enough eye-rolls in the world to cover this drivel.

After the ceremony Grey fails to look at Ana, even though she wills him to.

My inner goddess is not pleased.

While graduates and family and everyone else mingles, that bitch of a roommate puts Ana on the spot by introducing Grey to step-dad Ray as "Ana's boyfriend". Ana, that gullible idiot, lets people just walk all over her, be it Kate or Grey. She is the born victim.

To top it all of she tells Grey that she agrees to his conditions. There is some stupid comparison with Eve in the Garden of Eden and the serpent, but what you probably want to know is how her inner goddess reacts to the prospect of all the kinky sex to come, right?

My inner goddess is doing back flips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast.

Quote. George R. R. Martin

"Jaime," she said, tugging on his ear, "sweetling, I have known you since you were a babe at Joanna's breast. You smile like Gerion and fight like Tyg, and there's some of Kevan in you, else you would not wear that cloak...but Tyrion is Tywin's son, not you. I said so once to your father's face, and he would not speak to me for half a year. Men are such thundering great fools. Even the sort who come along once in a thousand years."

from A Song Of Ice And Fire

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 13

They are now e-mailing each other dictionary definition of words like "submissive" and "compromise". Again word count?

Ana's graduation is about to happen and Bob (no, I don't remember who the fuck Bob is) had some sort of accident which requires him to stay away and Ana's mother to wait on him. But Ray will be there! Hurrah! Ray is one of several step dads, the one Ana thinks of as a father. But before graduating Ana still has a dinner date with Grey.

Maybe I can channel my inner Ray for my meeting tomorrow.

'kay, so along with her inner goddess and her subconscious, Ana now wants to channel an inner Ray.

At work, she blows off Paul (owner's brother) again and finally tells him that she is seeing Grey. This brings up another inner goddess moment.

Paul looks positively crestfallen, stunned even, and a very small part resents that he should find this surprise. My inner goddess does too. She makes a very vulgar and unattractive gesture at him with her fingers.

For dinner on Wednesday, Grey has reserved a private dining room - so much for safety in numbers. They discuss the contract, which BTW is not legally binding <insert eye roll>. What Ana feels most strongly about, apparently, is not wanting anyone to tell her what to eat. From somewhere she gathers some strength to actually voice some opinions and talk back.

My inner goddess frowns at me. You can do this, she coaxes - play this sex god at his own game. Can I? Okay. What to do? My inexperience is an albatross around my neck.

Yes, there's the inner goddess again. Also "sex god". Also "an albatross around my neck".

She concludes that she might not agree to any of Grey's crap and gets up and leaves, but then she turns on the "mean machine" (no comment) and ends the chapter being hopeful that "Perhaps together we can chart a new course."

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 12

Ana Steel goes for a run. Voluntarily. For the first time ever. No-one knows why. Afterwards, she writes Grey an e-mail saying, "Okay, I've seen enough. It was nice knowing you." It's a joke. Get it? Get it? Neither do I. Apparently, neither does Grey, because he simply drops by her house.

Sidenote: I have never read a book (fiction) that uses the term "medulla oblongata", let alone twice. This one does.

Also, I have decided that I will give you any references to Ana's "inner goddess" unfiltered. So they end up on the bed, to no-one's surprise and...

My inner goddess glows so bright she could light up Poland.

Quick now, how big is Poland? I don't know and I am a lot closer to it than you probably are.

When Grey ends up sitting astride her and pulls out material to tie her up - if I were her - I would want to use all my Krav Maga moves on him (in this order): throw him off, hit him with the 'power fist', kick him in the kidney, jump on his ankle. Ana wants to be tied up and screwed.

Grey gets some white wine (with ice) and gives it to her FROM HIS MOUTH. Total gross-out! Next, she gets an ice cube on her navel and is told to not spill any of the melting liquid because otherwise Grey will punish her. Some hand action, a mention of his "impressive length" and a couple of orgasms (yes, two) is followed by a little talk over the contract.

After Grey has left, Ana and Kate have a conversation about Christian and Eliott, respectively, and some grown-up language is used. Mercifully, no mention of "down there" for a change.

Then there is some e-mail correspondence concerning a number of issues Ana has with the contract. It end with Grey telling her to GO TO BED ANASTASIA.

Oh...shouty capitals! I switch off. How can he intimidate me when he's six miles away?

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 11

The Contract. You can read the whole thing in chapter 11. Future lawyers might get a kick out of the language and details, your regular reader...not so much. Was there some minimum wordcount to meet? To sum it up:

15.2 The Dominant accepts the Submissive as his, to own, control, dominate and discipline during the Term. The Dominant may use the Submissive's body at any time during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times in any manner he deems fit, sexually or otherwise.

There are two suggested safewords. They are - depending on urgency - "Yellow" and "Red". Very creative, that.

The Appendix includes more drivel and some questions.

How much pain does the submissive want to receive? Where 1 is none and 5 is severe: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5

My choice: 1

Ana, of course, finds the romance even in a legal document.

Serve and obey in all things. All Things! I shake my head in disbelief. Actually, doesn't the marriage ceremony use those words... obey? This throws me. Do couples still say that?

She's hopeless. Her subconcious is all "sane and rational, not her usual snarky self" and basically yells "noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" while her inner goddess is "jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old". Not only does she have two voices in he head, now they are in disagreement.

Remember the problem of Ana not owning a computer. (Again: What is up with that?)? Grey sends her a MacBook Pro. The very latest kind, not available in shops yet. And Ana is surprised to have e-mail. One of her inner voices (not specified) says, "I have an email address?". There follows some e-mailing between Grey and Ana, including "From:" and "Subject:" and "Date:" and "To:" every. Single Time. (Again: wordcount?). At some point, Grey includes ";)" in an e-mail. *awwwwwww*

Man, I hate this book.

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 10

During the brief meeting with the - elegent, lovely, nice - mother, José calls. To apologize. To ask if she's "with him". Mother leaves. Grey reacts jealous about "the photographer" calling.

Then he hands Ana the contract and suggests to do some research to know what is involved. Ana does not own a computer. Wait, what? The poor thing has no computer? Luckily, roommate Kate has a laptop. Crisis averted. After they head on out so he can drive her home.

He's wearing a black leather jacket. He certainly doesn't look like the multi-multi millionaire, billionaire, what-ever-aire, in these clothes. He looks like a boy from the wrong side of the tracks, maybe a badly behaved rock star or a catwalk model.

On the drive back she confesses that she needs to talk to Kate about some sex related questions that can only be addressed woman to woman. She is allowed to do so as long as no word gets back to the - now heavily involved with Kate - Elliot, because "Elliot is a nosy bastard."

They stop for food (more eating) and over venison, we learn why Grey is the way he is. Poor thing was seduced by one of his mother's girlfriend when he was fifteen and became her submissive for six years. Oh good, we've found an excuse for him! When he drops her off...

"Oh...by the way, I'm wearing your underwear." I give him a small smile and pull up the waistband of the boxer briefs I'm wearing so he can see. Christian's mouth drops open, shocked. What a great reaction. My mood shifts immediately, and I sashay into the house, part of me wanting to jump and pump the air. YES! My inner goddess is thrilled.

Who believes that someone like Christian Grey would be shocked when learning that Ana wears a pair of his briefs? Show of hands...? Anyone? Yeah, I thought not.

Later some girly talk with Kate about the sex they have been having with the brothers Grey before Ana retreats to her room with the contract "burning a bright red hole in the side of my purse". She muses over the information she has recently learned.

He's such a complicated person. And now I have an insight as to why. A young man deprived of his adolescence, sexually abused by some evil Mrs. Robinson figure...no wonder he's old before his time. My heart fills with sadness at the thought of what he must have been through.

Her subconscious doesn't want to say goodbye to that poor lost soul and her inner goddess nods in silent zen-like agreement.

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 9

The day after. Ana is making breakfast, wearing only Grey's white shirt and dancing through the kitchen. Is it just me or is this as cliché as it possibly gets?

She has pulled her hair into pigtails, because the girly look might make her safter from Bluebeard (her name, not mine...I would have chosen Big Bad Wolf). This, of course, to no avail because he tells her - surprisingly telepathically - tells her, "They won't protect you."

After he inquires about her soreness he suggests to continue with her basic training. But first, he orderes her to eat and decides they will share a bubble bath.

"Come, let's have a bath." [...] My heart leaps and desire pools way down low...way down there.

This just in case you wondered whether her first sexual experience has made her think in more specific terms of her down there.

What follows is a lot of hand and mouth action including the next part in Ana's sexual awakening - her very first blow job. First, though, she is all surprised and shocked and stuff about the penis and its physique and behavior. Then Grey sort of introduces them.

"I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I'm very attached to this."

Aaaaaaaaahahahahaha! Even my inner goddess is laughing at this.

He's my very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle.

Later, some bondage, more slobber and the realization that, "He's going to kiss me there!"

Cliffhanger: his mother drops by.

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 8

Alright, ladies, here come the juicy bits. This is the chapter in which Anastasia Steel gets her cherry popped. It starts off with Christian being disasppointed and/or exasperated (he runs both his hands through his hair - "Two hands - that's double exasperation.").

After some banter and Ana's subconscious rearing her somnambulant head, Grey decides, "We're going to rectify the situation right now." That's right, folks, "rectify". This is followed by several references to "down there" and "there" (and may I remind you that this woman is of college age) and leads to...

One assumes. Ana describes it as being "considerable", so one wonders how she would know.

While idly musing over Christian Grey's feet ("wow...what is it about naked feet?") she is stumped once again when asked to show how she pleasures herself. Because she never has. Ri-ight.

So this is Ana's first of everything and before the day is over, she will have had three orgasms. In numbers: 3! She comes each time because Grey tells her to. Actually, the first one does not even involve any sort of penetration - he talks her into an orgasm. Never mind his feet and gray eyes and overall beauty - can someone put this guy's voice on recordings for other women to listen to? Millions could be earned. Millions!

Don't know about you but my first time was nothing like that.

Afterwards...

Christian is at the piano, completely lost in the music he's playing. [...] He sits naked, his body bathed in the warm light cast by a solitary freestanding lamp beside the piano.

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 7

In the next chapter we get treated to a detailed description of the playroom, and Ana finds all the wood, dark walls, moody lighting, and oxblood leather kind of soft and romantic. Christian's version of soft and romantic. Uhm?

Grey procedes to tell her what is expected of her, which is -quite simply - to please him.

Please him! He wants me to please him! I think my mouth drops open. Please Christian Grey. And I realize, in that moment, that yes, that's exactly what I want to do. I want him to be damned delighted with me. It's a revelation.

And poor Grey? Well, he just can't help it because, "It's the way I am."

Wait! Here comes more paperwork - this time a set of rules to be further negotiated on. It covers a variety of definitions and rules that the "Submissive" must obide by, including the clothes she is supposed/allowed to wear (that the "Dominant" picks out and pays for), when and what to eat, exercise she is expected to do, personal hygiene etc.

Ana's reaction?

"I'm not sure about accepting money for clothes. It feels wrong." I shift uncomfortably, the word 'ho' rattling round my head. 

OK. Two things.
1 - 'Ho' is not actually a proper word.
2 - That is your biggest concern?!

When Grey presents a list of his limits (he will not involve in acts with children and animals or use knives and needles, ever the gentleman) and asks Ana for hers she is unable to give him any because "Well...I've not had sex before, so I don't know." A confession that makes Grey angry. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me?"

Here are a few ideas: It never came up. Ana is a little shy lamb. You never actually talked about sex. IT IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 6

When I was saying that I only waited for Bateman Grey to bring out his record collection I didn't know that that exact thing would happen in the very next chapter.

The first piece of music he plays is the Flower Duet from Lakmé. Now, I believe that the Flower Duet is probably the most beautiful piece of music ever written. Why does he waste such wonderful music on a total imbecile like Ana?! This is followed by Sex on Fire. So, basically, they have my iPod on shuffle. This makes me sad.

Grey drops her home where he picks up this brother Elliot, who is obviously nearly as hot as Christian Grey himself and has spent the night with Kate. Maybe they can all double-date! Woo-hoo! After the two men leave, Ana and her room mate have a discussion about whether or not Grey and Ana "did it" - and I am not using "did it" because I am scared to use dirty words like - ghasp! - sex. College students in the world of E L James are. The conversation includes such tidbits like "So, did you?" - "You obviously did, though." - "Maybe you will then?" - "Like him enough to...?". *butts-head-on-desk*

The next evening, Grey picks Ana up to take her to Seattle where everything will be revealed. They travel by Elevator! and helicopter, in which Grey gets to strap Ana into a harness. Hint, hint. Once in his pad, he hands over a non-disclosure agreement that she has no interest in reading first because...

"Christian, what you fail to understand is that I wouldn't talk about us to anyone, anyway. Even Kate. So it's immaterial whether I sign an agreement or not. If it means so much to you, or your lawyer...whom you oabviously talk to, then fine. I'll sign."

So she does not read it. Much like none of us read the iTunes updated Terms & Conditions before ticking the box stating that we have done just that.

Then Ana is taken to Grey's playroom, in which she expects to find an Xbox. However, her reaction to what she does find there is this:

Quote. John Steinbeck

The nature of parties has been imperfectly studied. It is, however, generally understood that a party has a pathology, that it is a kind of individual and that it is likely to be a very perverse individual. And it is also generally understood that a party hardly ever goes the way it is planned or intended. This last, of course, excludes those dismal slave parties, whiped and controlled and dominated, given by ogreish professional hostesses. These are not parties at all but acts and demonstrations, about as spontaneous as perstalsis and as intersting as its end product.

from Cannery Row

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 5

You do know that E L James didn't even bother to make Christian Grey up, right? She just took Patrick Bateman and made him a sex machine instead of a psycho killer. I'm just waiting for Grey to bring out his record collection.

Ana wakes up in Grey's hotel suite, sans jeans and socks, that Grey was kind enough to take off for her. So, he practically kidnaps her and half-undresses her and expects her to thank him for it. There follows a mediocre conversation in the veins of (I'm paraphrasing) "you were a bad girl" (CG) - "what do you care?" (AS) - "I am sad." (CG).

Then this gem:

I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she's doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his.

And this:

My heartbeat has picked up, and my medulla oblongata has neglected to fire any synapses to make me breathe.

But wait, it gets worse:

I let out the breath that I've been holding. Why is he so damned attractive? Right now I want to go and join him in the shower. I have never felt this way about anyone. My hormones are racing. My skin tingles where his thumb traced over my face and lower lip. I feel like squirming with a needy, achy...discomfort. I don't understand this reaction. Hmm...Desire. This is desire. This is what it feels like.

Of course, it is just like Ana to question that he didn't make a move on her WHILE SHE WAS IN BED UNCONSCIOUS. This is disappointing to her. This chick is so messed up! She also states that "I'd like to bite that lip." is the sexiest thing anybody has ever said to her.

Over breakfast he tells her that he is into rather unusual stuff in the sex department and he expects her to sign a written consent before he lays a finger on her. She cannot connect the dots. Ana really has no idea what is going on. She thinks using Grey's toothbrush is such a thrill. Poor idiot.

And finally:

"Oh, fuck the paperwork," he growls. He lunges at me, pushing me against the wall of the elevator. Before I know it, he's got both of my hands in one of his in a vice-like grip above my head, and he's pinning me to the wall using his lips. Holy shit. His other hand grabs my ponytail and yanks down, bringing my face up, and his lips are on mine. It's only just not painful. I moan into his mouth, giving his tongue an opening. He takes full advantage, his tongue expertly exploring my mouth. I have never been kissed like this. My tongue tentatively strokes his and joins his in a slow erotic dance that's all about touch and sensation, all bump and grind. He brings his hand up to grasp my chin and holds me in place. I am helpless, my hands pinned, my face held, and his hips restraining me. I feel his erection against my belly. Oh my...He wants me. Christian Grey, Greek god, want me, and I want him, here...now, in the elevator.

And Ana's "very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba".

*slow nod*

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 4

Here's an annoying thing: whenever the light at a pedestrian crossing turns green "the green man appears". Who calls it "the green man" past the age of 4? Ana is 21! Not sure how she managed to make it to 21 as an utter inbecile that forgets to breathe every now and then, but that is the claim.

Anway, Grey tells Ana that he is not the man for her. She is of course totally surprised that he did not shove his tongue down her throat. After all, she was practically in an embrace with him after he so gallantly saved her from falling on her face, or ass, or whatever part of her body she was going to fall on.

"Thanks." I can't disguise the sarcasm in my voice. "Goodbye, Mr. Grey." I turn on my heel, vaguely amazed that I don't trip, and without giving him a second glance, I disappear down the sidewalk toward the underground garage.

Something tells me, this is the only moment of dignity Ana is ever going to have in the entire trilogy. It actually is only one moment, as soon as she is in the garage, she turns into a puddle of tears and ends up in what sounds an awful lot like a fetal position. In the end, she chalks up his not wanting her to his *drumroll* good looks. Duh!

Now, this I love! Ana is in bed, again going over her strange morning. And..."Idly, I wonder if perhaps he's celibate? [...] Maybe he's saving himself." Mocking this book is just too easy.

A few days later, after Ana has written her final exams, she gets a parcel without a sender's address on it. It holds first editions of Tess of the D'Urbervilles. This can obviously only be from Grey. Ana immediately vows to return them. At a party that night, she drunk-calls him. He - noticing her intoxication - decides to pick her up. And so he does, in the nick of time - just when young José is about to shuff his tongue down her throat (not the tongue Ana was hoping for). Then Grey holds her hair while she vomits out all the alcohol she cannot hold. Awwwww! And then she gets a lecture about "knowing ones limits".

In case you wondered how he found her - he tracked her cell phone. WTF? Run, Anastasia! Run! But not quite yet, Christian Grey wants to dance with you first.

And then....she faints.

A Word from Your Blogger

You have probably been biting your nails and waiting for my next installment of running mockery of Fifty Shades of Grey. Fear not, I have not given up on this particular piece of 'art'. Rather, I really only read this when I'm bored but can't get away from my computer, i.e. at work. I know what that sounds like... I do do work, it's just that when my boss is not around, the load thins out considerably. My boss is a well-traveled man. Hence, the next update is just around the corner.

I would like to take this time-out from a book that created its own genre ('mommy porn') to state that my reading tastes are pretty eclectic. There are obviously some authors I enjoy more than others (Stephen King, Paul Auster, Augusten Burroughs, Douglas Coupland, I could go on) and there are certain genres that I care less for, like sci-fi/fantasy, mysteries, chick lit, romances. Also, I don't read too many book series.

Yes, I feel your eyes moving over to the right border of the blog where you find the books I'm currently reading - all three are parts of series, one is fantasy, one is mystery and one is, well, mommy porn. Please believe me when I tell you that this is a weird coincidence and an exception.

If you stick with this blog after I have finished the Fifty Shades trilogy, you will find evidence of the things and preferences stated above. Whatever it is I am reading, I will read whenever and wherever I can.

 

I could never imagine my life without books and I never want to have to.

 

 

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 3

Ana has been hearing a small quiet voice in her head, repeatedly. Sometimes it’s her “subconscious”, but same difference. Shouldn’t this be reason for concern? Maybe she has a serious mental illness. She should have that checked.

Anyway, she has to call Him and co-ordinate a photoshoot for the student paper. Her reaction to a mere telephone conversation pretty much sums up her entire being.

“Okay, we’ll see you there.” I am all gushing and breathy – like a child, not a grown woman who can vote and drink legally in the State of Washington.

Yep, that’s Ana in a nutshell. But how else would you react if you practically heard Grey’s sphinx-like smile through the phone and visualize the wicked gleam in his gray eyes? Naturally, she spends the night tossing and turning. Wouldn’t we all?

When she sees him again the next day her reaction is “[…] he’s so freaking hot.” And “Oh my…he really is, quite…wow.” Better watch yourself, girl - Katherine will totally know you like him. Ana is not only flabbergasted by Grey’s presence, she is also in awe of the poised and well-mannered Katherine, for not turning to mush around His Awesomeness.

And then, and then….she is alone with him and he asks her to join him for coffee. Like, OMG!

My heart slams into my mouth. A date? Christian Grey is asking me on a date. He’s asking if you want coffee. Maybe he thinks you haven’t woken up yet, my subconscious whines at me in a sneering mood again. I clear my throat trying to control my nerves.

When she tells Katherine, her trusted friend warns her that he's is “dangerous. Especially to someone like you.” Ana, of course, is affronted. So, coffee with Mr. Grey (looking like a male model in a pose for some glossy high-end magazine) it is. Never mind that Ana hates coffee. Then he actually takes her by the hand! No one has ever held her hand! This apparently gives her the bravery to ask for tea instead of coffee. And then is very impressed that he gets her her favorite kind of tea. Wow. It’s “Twinings English Breakfast”. How could he have possibly known? Or how would she know, since she dips the bag into the teapot for an instant, not giving it a chance to flavor the water?


The conversation is all about whether the photographer or her co-worker is Ana’s boyfriend. And about Ana being a mysterious and self-contained (according to Grey). Then he totally throws her off again by asking if she’s an only child and inquires about her family. Like, woah! She didn’t see that coming. Not sure what she expected from the conversation, but certainly not that. On their way to the parking lot, she learns that he does not do the girlfriend thing and just about falls flat on her face.

It all happens so fast – one minute I’m falling, the next I’m in his arms, and he’s holding me tightly against his chest. I inhale his clean, vital scent. He smells of fresh laundered linen and some expensive body-wash. Oh my, it’s intoxicating. I inhale deeply.

Oh my, indeed.

Don’t know about you, but I’m ready for the juicy bits.

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 2

We've made it to chapter two and Ana is still wrecking her brain trying to figure out her fascination for the OMG!-he's-so-hot-I'm-gonna-faint Christian.

Is it his looks? His civility? Wealth? Power?

And Anastasia Steel (her full name) has to lean on a steel pillar to steady herself.

What I'm not quite get is why she keeps telling herself that she will never have to see him again, anyway, when during their interview it was established that he will have some sort of official role at her college graduation. Short term memory loss, maybe?

Back at the WYU campus, we meet José, whom Ana is just good friends with but knows "deep down inside, he'd like to be more." She's just not that into him, or anyone else, never having met any man she is attracted to (before Mr. Grey, one assumes). The Pacific Northwest has rubbed off on this José, apparently, because he is pretty hot, "all shoulders and muscles, tanned skin, dark hair and burning dark eyes."

The following Saturday, Mr. Grey pops up at Ana's workplace. A hardware store, where he has no business being. C-R-E-E-P-Y. He's doing the "I was in the area" line. Aaaaahahahaha! Ana's reaction?

My heart is pounding a frantic tattoo [...] he is the epitome of male beauty, breathtaking, and he's here.

I kid you not.

He picks up cable ties, masking tape, rope - you know, your basic rapist/bondage enthusiast kit.

Fifty Shades of Grey - Chapter 1

This is the first paragraph of 50 Shades of Grey:

I scrowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair - it just won't behave, and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal. I should be studying for my final exams, which are next week, yet here I am trying to brush my hair into submission. I must not sleep with it wet. I must not sleep with it wet. Reciting this mantra several times, I attempt, once more, to bring it under controll with the brush. I roll my eyes in exasperation and gaze at the pale, brown-haired girl with blues eyes too big for her face staring back at me, and give up. My only option is to restrain my wayward hair in a ponytail and hope that I look semi presentable. 

I roll my eyes in exasperation, as well. Who reads this shit? Oh yeah, me.

Meet Ana, a clumsy, unassuming, very naive student at WYU. She is obviously having a bad hair day just when she is supposed to meet with one of the most powerful man in the state of Washington. She is really only doing her roommate Katherine a favor, who is sick and apparently is the only person working on the student newspaper ("editor" she calls herself) because why else would she be sending Ana to a meeting this big in her stead, when little Ana apparently does not even know where the record button on a mini-recorder is?

Anyway, she goes to Seattle to meet with overwhelmingly good-looking, successful, yet arrogant controll freak Christian Grey. Ana actually trips and falls into his office after having had to encounter number of attractive Stepfordesque blondes from the moment she enters the - modern, sterile - office building. So far, every single person Ana encounters in the book (which statisticly says good things about the Seattle population, no?) is ridiculously attractive. I must one day go to Seattle to see this for myself.

Of course, Ana is immediately flustered by the blindingly good looks of Mr. Grey.

Why does he have such an unnerving effect on me? His overwhelming good looks maybe? The way his eyes blaze at me? The way he strokes his index finger against his lower lip? I wish he'd stop doing that.

I will try to keep the quoting to a minimum, but it is hard, so hard.

Fifty Shades of Book Snobbery

Do you dislike 50 Shades of Grey as much as I do? Yes? Have you actually read it? Yeah, me neither.

To allow myself to legitimately bitch about it I will read it. And for this purpose I have downloaded totally legally acquired the trilogy.

Watch this space for commentary, ridicule, snobbery and down-putting.